Friendship

I haven't slept in a while. My two friends are currently star fished on my bed, both in the dreamiest state of rest. And I'm sitting next to them, buzzed on painkillers to tackle the hangover, remnants of last nights drunkard ness and a opened bottle of Chardonnay in the early hours of the morning, just to end the night right. In the last few hours, as I sat up smoking our last cigarettes and speaking to my best friend, a lot has dawned on me about life. He has the ability to do that, to bring a sense of reason to my mind, and sometimes it's good for me because I see only my own reason, and even though his is similar to mine, he allows me to open doors in my life that I only dared staring at, instead of turning the handle.

The only one I'm willing to fully divulge in, is the topic of Her. I'm a bit obsessive compulsive, I prefer it if everything in my life remains in control and organized, that I am aware of the going ons around me, and that if something were to happen, I'd see it immediately because it were out of place. Man, then she came into my life. I didn't know uncontrolled and certain until I met this woman, and it has dawned upon me how scary it is that she evokes this irresponsibility and for lack of a better word, urge in me to be out of control. Because it seems as if that even if my world were out of control, she'd hold it in place with her orange painted nails and smile; her dimples creating an oh-so-cute effect and making me relax even if things were falling apart. And I wouldn't mind. Because her eyes would defy the gravity holding me down on to this earth, her irises grounding me and her smile putting everything else that may have perturbed me into perspective. I said that to him, my best friend, as I lay on my bed so cool and collected as we both stared at the ceiling, my heart racing at the very idea of her.
Do you know what he said to me? He said sometimes even if you have all your ducks in a neat little row, what we need and all we want, is someone to come and trash that perfect up, to turn things upside down so that we can actually realize that we don't want it to be perfect, we just need normality. And I knew that's what I'd wanted all along, someone willing to swipe their hand across the queue cards of my life and leave me in a state of disarray and utter panic. Because only in that state of pure bafflement would I truly find out who I am. Only in a state where things seem undone and my seams are unraveling, would I find the person with the needle willing to do it all back up again, just for the simple fact that they wanted me to know that they could do that for me. And I'd found her staring at me with that cute smile, needle in hand and hand on my back, ready to sew me back up again.

Dain (my best friend) said that what he thought of sin, was that every time you're sinning, you're turning things upside down because you're not perfectly in a order. Because you are not perfect. And this is where we both got dramatic and we finished each others sentences, both lying there staring at the ceiling, our hands behind our heads.

Him: That's why God created sin because without sin
Me: We wouldn't have to repent
Him: And without repentance there would have been no reason that He died
Me: Saving us from all our sin

So we are given grace by God the day He set Adam and Eve apart from the rest of the animals, the day they ate the fruit from the forbidden tree and placed knowledge upon us. It was all in His plan, He placed that temptation knowing that mankind would betray Him, and knowing that He would be able to show his mercy and kindness and forgive us.

Dain placed so much into my heart in the early hours of this morning while everyone else slept. He spoke. And I just lied there listening. To every single beautiful word of sense and reason he spoke; about how we place so much emphasis on getting high, and all we remember are the empty things we trip on, the random things that fascinate us, that actually have no meaning to us. How we chase those ideas of fascination, just for a sense of purpose and maybe a hint of happiness.

How depression wasn't just about being sad, it was about being sad because you had something worth fighting for, that when you were in that state of utter darkness it was because you were coming to realization about the world around you, that people weren't there anymore and that the world had grown cold even in the sweltering heat, that when you were there it was because you knew that there was something worth being there for, that those who commit acts of suicide weren't depressed, but rather reached a stage where they felt nothing anymore; because only with the idea of nothingness could you take your life, because you believed there was nothing more to struggle for.

I've been depressed, I've been hurt, I'd been getting high and he placed his hurt, his highs and his sadness all in a light that allowed me to see my own life more clearly.

I ask now, that you, who is reading this only takes those into your life who are worth the fight, who add value and inspire things in you just as my best friend does in me. That you take a moment to add people in your life who give you these things. Friendships that leave you questioning life instead of doubting it, that cause unraveling of reason and doubt, and leave you flabbergasted by the pure magnitude of another's words.

Dain is an entity of magic, beauty and spirituality, he is so profound and so unaware of his ability to leave his lingering words ringing in my ears. And I truly thank God for bringing him into my life and adding meaning.

Can you say that about your friends?

Dain Sisam

Let me tell you something,
You, you who sit there
In that dark corner
Your head hung low with your passages
Of endless tragedies
Your music strung on your brow
I see you
I see the magic that you yield
The visions you proceed to give
I love you.

You inspire me
In words,
words that are hard to describe,
I lie back in awe,
Till just the break of dawn
And I listen to the lyrical confusion
The abrasions,
Rationality,
Finality,
In your endless theories of what life
Could be.
I love you.

You don't know,
Because half the time I don't tell you,
But you,
You ignite a light so bright
In the dark crevices of my dark tormented
Light,
You're a fascination,
Bring me to mental reconciliation
As you magnify,
And pacify
The demons within me.
I love you.

My words here are definite,
And will come to an end.
But the provoking of my emotions
Something I have no way of controlling
Lies deep within the words you say.
And as you lay next to me,
Heart on your sleeve,
Breathing the air I breathe
I believe
That this infinitely finite
And long lasting night
Will somehow be the rest of my life.
I love you.

I'm not going to go a day without you,
Because some part of my life
Is about you,
You're the apple of my eye
The lustrous
Dragonfly that sits
Sits and renders me speechless,
Your beauty captivates
And resonates
An epiphany,
You're the beauty of life,
In plain sight,
A force to be reckoned with,
a heart so broken and stiff,
But love,
In all its broken down and monstrous anguish.
I love you.

Don't ever forget that,
The words I never could say out loud,
But I thank God everyday,
That I know you're here.
You are majesty,
Unjust and beautiful profanity,
Tranquillity,
My peace of mind.
I will watch over you,
And look out for you,
Till the day that I die,
Because I'm gonna try,
To make you see,
The true beauty in everything I see,
In the wonder of you that captivates me.
You're a miracle,
And I love you.