No hello or goodbye

It’s hard to go back to the days where it didn’t feel like this,

When I didn’t wish that I didn’t exist.

When the words came easier,

And I was better than this.

I’d be lying if I said,

I didn’t find the best version of me with you,

When fairy tales were true,

Where love existed in a million dimensions,

And I felt you in all of your expressions.

I don’t want to say it,

That I still love you,

Because I won’t let myself have you,

You need to find a love that isn’t beaten,

A love that isn’t broken,

Love that you deserve.

So don’t love me,

I know you wouldn’t want to,

But forget it ever was me.

Because I won’t come back,

I’ll just keep trying to fix my own cracks,

But I’ll be here,

Still broken and choking,

On discarded fragments of my own broken love.

It’s vivid,

The pain,

It feels like twenty million broken shards of glass,

Skull shattering cannons have blasted into me,

Leaving me,

Here.

I don’t know what I’m trying to say,

It is not a hello or goodbye,

It’s a fragmented version of an explanation,

Of an apology,

For not being enough for myself,

For running away from this self.

It will always be yours.

It will beat.

I will breathe.

And one day it will stop.

                                                                  But it will always be yours