him

The hardest time for me to write I realized, is when I'm emotional. The words sit in my chest, and they choke me. I feel the letters of all the words; of memories and feelings, lifting up slowly and choking me. Holding me there in a tight vise grip.

I don't want to speak about him, but it's all that's on my mind right now. He was my rock, and he guided me. I never belonged to her much, but him, he was everything to me. And I love him so much. But he, like her, teaches lessons by squeezing wallets. I don't even know why I'm saying that, because it's not about that. 

Have you ever felt like people were only there for you, and in your life because you're messed up, because you're dark and twisty and bitter and burdened and that makes them feel less bad about themselves? Have you every felt like they're there only when you're broken, because when you're in the process of mending, they feel as if you don't need them anymore. That's what I feel about him right now, that when I was a basket case, I was everything, I was a ticking time bomb and a princess wrapped into one. Now, now because I'm happy, there's nothing anymore. 

Why is it that it's only when people are already broken that we look up, that we help them up and that we're there? 

Why is it that we don't think those who are okay need us, don't need love and kindness?

Why don't we keep people from breaking instead of only getting kicks out of fixing them?

No, I can't say I'll ever stop loving him. And I remember thinking "God why are you making me feel this way?" But I said that He should have his way in my life. And if that's showing me what my relationship with you is truly like, then even though it hurts like hell, there is a reason for it. Maybe I knew all along, and I'm only realizing it. 

Just love everyone, be compassionate and kind, merciful and generous to everyone. Not just those who have blades against their wrists or a madness in their eyes.