I wish my smile was enough

I think I know what heartbreak is now. I've gone through it before, I thought each and every broken door in my life was heartbreak. But it's not like this. It's not like what you're doing to me.

You were my rock, before God, before I knew majesty, I knew you. You held me, and you took me where I needed to be, psychiatrists, psychologists, the works. You said you'd be there no matter what I needed.

It's a little messed up that I'm thinking that the only way I could get you to look at me again was if I broke myself, used a long rope to choke myself. That you paid attention to me when I was broken, but when I'm hole I don't exist.

I lie here and I feel the tiny pieces of thread that hold together my heart falling away, I'm breaking again, you're breaking my heart but I won't let you see. Because I won't let you smother with me, with your affections that only come when I'm broken down.

I have never felt this way about you before, it was us against the world. Like you'd always be on my side, but my smile isn't enough for you, me being happy, is not enough to get a reaction from you.

My heart knows that I shouldn't have those, in my life who only appreciated me broken.
But how do I run from you?
How do I block you out?
You're everywhere,
In me, you helped heal me.

I wish you could be here when I'm happy, instead of listening more intently, and caring only when I had scars. I wish my smile was enough for you, to run through you, and course through your veins, and lighten you.

I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry.
Because I'm not going back.