Journey

Tonight, I had a bit of an emotional moment; it's funny how we only call the ones where we're crying or angry emotional moments, but anyway. Firstly I don't even feel like I could get real angry anymore - which is weird because I've had anger issues for a really long time. But when I was reminded of this I just became sad instead of angry.

Since you've read my work, you know a lot about me, I hope you get that. That all of this is really personal to me and dear to my heart and soul, what I write here is basically what I feel in my heart and soul.

I'm the bad influence friend.
Let me say that again, in more words, I am the kid your mom urges you to stay away from - and I literally have had friends parents going around and saying that I should be stayed away from because I'm a bad influence.

And I never understood it, or I did to a certain extent. I'm not very talkative, especially to my friends parents because I was raised to believe that adults are adults and kids are kids, so I've never spoken to or approached my friends parents as if they were my friends; even though all of my friends tended to do this. I always thought it was my silence, the way I kind of just stared off into space and spoke when spoken to that freaked my friends parents out. And tonight I was reminded about it. And it broke my heart, because I'm trying to be better and am still reminded about how some parents believe that I'm their kids mistake friend.

I get it now though, because I took a moment to think about it. I know my friends know it; I'm not actually into peer pressure, I actually don't believe in it a bit because I believe that you should be mentally strong in enough in yourself as a person in order to say no when you want to. But it's not about that.

I think my influence was more me speaking about my beliefs, to be comfortable in who and what you are. I have always believed in the human; that we are in this world to feel and embrace the world in it's dirty beauty. I think that I influenced those around me to start being true to themselves, I'm very bad at chit chat. So when I speak, it usually is about how it's important to feel what you're feeling and to be real with yourself. And I think that a lot of the time our parents don't want us to be real with ourselves and actually feel what's happening around us; to remain numb to the world. I think that some of my friends might have understood that and therefore gone on to join me in smoking a spliff or drink too many bottles of vodka. So it could seem like I'd influenced them with the drugs and booze, but it was always so much more than that.

So much has changed in my life, but those core ideals; that you have to be real with yourself, they still remain and are only strengthened now by Him.

I will never be able to change their minds, but I will prove them wrong. When I was reminded of it again tonight, I knew I'd have to bring it to Him, to pray about it, and cry about it, because I needed to feel it.

So I opened the Bible on a random page; first it was on the building of one of the temples of God and all the effort, measurements, detail and glory that went into the building of it. I didn't understand what I was reading till I closed the bible and reopened it, but what I understand from it now was the amount of time and detail went into my creation, of my mind, body and soul. That He took the time, to create my mind and body in His image, everything in me is as He intended. That I too, am His temple.

And the next time I opened it, it was to the Gospel of Mark. This is where my emotions were truly evoked, because as I read I began crying. Because it was about how Jesus chased out and destroyed those using the temple as a market and being sinful in it. To me, this was a metaphor for my life, how I'd recently turned to Him and He had chased out my demons, that had been breaking me down and causing darkness in my life.

As I read further, I got to the lesson of the Fig Tree (Mark 11: 20 - 25) and in this passage Jesus speaks about how anyone who has faith will overcome anything, if you ask for something and believed in it, God would grant it to you. And that if you forgave those who have hurt you, God too will forgive them.

I read more, but the next that hit me was "The Great Commandment" (Mark 12: 28 - 34) and this is where Jesus says "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all of your strength" and then "Love your neighbor as you love yourself."

These words resonated with my life, and where I was at that precise moment so perfectly And it was utterly beautiful that He would take me on this journey of accepting who I am, to learning to pray and forgive, to loving those around me. That I would read the very words I prayed for every night, read about the very strength I had asked to have and the very love I'd asked for the ability to show.

Before I go, these others hit me as well, just have a read okay, and think about how they resound meaning in your own life. Both also found when I opened the bible at random, I like the idea that He is speaking to me this way.

"If the world hates you, just remember that it has hated Me first. If you belonged to the world, then the world would love you as its own. But I chose you from this world, and you do not belong to it; that is why the world hates you." (John 16: 18 - 20)

"I have told you this, so that you will not give up your faith. You will be expelled from the synagogues, and the time will come when anyone who kills you will think that by doing this he is serving God. People will do these things to you because they have not know either the Father or me." (John 16: 1 - 4)

"And he went on to say, "It is what comes out of a person that makes him unclean. For from the inside, from a person's heart, come the evil ideas which lead him to immoral things, to rob, to kill..." (Mark 7: 20 - 22)